I was glad to meet you at first. You were nicer at first sight than Eric. Eric was nearly 7 feet tell, had a slick hairdo, a very broad chest and shoulders, and looked at me like I had 5 heads. When they scrapped him being my probation officer and give me you instead, at first impressions, I was glad.
Your short, and stubby. Long brown hair, wore glasses, and surprisingly listened to me. You weren't threatening in the slightest. But I quickly grew to dislike you. A dislike that turned to hatred.
I'd already been in YDSU twice by the time you got me. YDSU put me in my cell 21 hours of the day. Going to court was the biggest highlight of my life at that point. Just to get out of the place. Yes I was still in my bright red strong clothes, in a police car with handcuffs and shackles for an hour ride back to Durham County Court, but at this point in my life, anything was better than being in my cell ripping my hair out.
So we get to court. There you are.
''Hey! How ya doing?? Bet it feels good to be out there hey? At least for the time being?''
Sure. 20 minutes goes by as the court hearing proceeds, and Sue, your a very different person now in a very different role.
The judge goes through my behavior at YDSU and events in the past few months.
* Numerous attempts of escape
* 2 Suicide attempts
* Numerous self-harm attempts
* Attack on in-programme nurse to overdose on medicine
(All these things resulting in physical restraints because of my emotional and psychological state, resulting in severely aggressive behavior, which occasionally lead to me having a dislocated shoulder, or a member of staff having a broken jaw.)
Funny how I never got to speak up in any court hearings. I sit there in my handcuffs and shackles, with my head down, dreading the worst outcome. Which is to go back to YDSU. The place is a hell hole. A nightmare.
My attorney is rubbish. I have more balls than him. He's a weedy fella that is practically bricking it everytime when he's around me, which in a way doesnt help my case. He stutters and stumbles put forward his recommendations, and because he cant get his words out, you Sue, with your gutsy mouth, butts in and gives your point of view.
What I ask SUE, is EVERY court hearing, why do you recommend to the judge that I be placed back to YDSU, and I prove for 3 months that I can behave then to MAYBE reconsider finding me a more suitable caring home? Is that a joke. I sat there and cringed and shuddered at your convincing words of how it was right to do that. I was 12 years old.
You put a dog in a kennel for 21 hours of a day, and expect it not to bark, you have another thing coming. Just look at the facts SUE. I've had a mis-diagnosis of Bi-Polar and am prescribed 3 drugs for something I don't even have. I'm also on another drug for supposed 'Insistent Explosive Disorder' which quite frankly I don't think even exists. On top of these I'm ADHD, and a range of other rubbish. Being on all this medication, being in a cell for 21 hours a day, being suicidal every minute I'm in there, yet not being able to kill my self because of staff watch, actually DOES make me go crazy and anyone that does come near me I'll physically attack, because I am that angry and bitter inside. Answer me this, what in your right mind, do you think sending me BACK there for 3 more months is going to do for my well-being?
The judge gave his verdict. Back to YDSU. I'm hysterical. Cant cope. As you pass down to leave the court room, I'm screaming and hurling abuse at you, I try to headbutt you and reach to pull you down by your hair, but am thrown down by the guards.Believe me SUE, I need massive help. But 21 hours in a cell will do nothing for me but send me to the brink of suicide. I'm 12. Because of your stupid messed up decision that had no logic, I spent my 13th birthday in Jail. And this round of going in I hadnt even committed a crime. I served my time for those crimes. You just sent me back because I was crazy. It ended up being 5 months SUE. I attempted suicide in that period for one reason and one reason only. To die. In my 8 by 8 foot cell. Screaming and crying, kicking and slamming my head against the walls. Just like the crazy people in the movies. Exactly like that. I felt like a caged dog unable to escape. I collapsed on my bed frame, in floods of tears, experiencing just a major panic attack of pure chlaustrophobia.
What I did next and what happened next was one of the worst things I've ever experienced in my life. All because you are one of many people in this world that is TOO quick to make decisions. Not thinking about what affects a decision may have on someone's life or state of mind can be one of the most dangerous things ever.